Ah Ah Ah!
by James Austin Valiant
Summary: The Empress is getting married! The Empress is getting married! But to whom?


_Disclaimer: I don't own Trinity Blood. And I don't own the other subject matter that the other character is from. This story was inspired by a conversation my girly and I had on a trip to the grocery. Enjoy it. And if you don't, well, then I was drunk and it just kinda came out. Ah ah ah! P.S., my girl is so cute. After I read this story, she gave me great feedback, like "You aren't really gonna post that, are you?" and "Don't send that to your beta! You've put her through enough!" XD_

**Ah Ah Ah!  
****By: James Austin Valiant**

Abel couldn't believe it. His little sister, Seth, had sent word to him that she was getting married. Apparently, she had made some sort of pledge to her people, that she would marry on the nine hundredth day of her reign. According to Abel's calculations, that would be in a little less than three days.

He hadn't realized that his little sister even entertained suitors, nonetheless thought of marriage. The priest knew that, in accordance with Methuselah tradition, it was unlucky to not have a tovarisch, but he wasn't even sure Seth had one of those.

"Father Nightroad?" It was his young comrade, Sister Esther.

"Yes, Esther?"

"...this is gonna sound odd…" She started, but before she could finish, Abel cut her off.

"Why of course I'll be your date to the wedding!" The priest assumed he knew what Esther was about to ask him.

"Uh, well, thanks, that takes care of that issue, but…" Esther exhaled, her heart aflutter"...what do I wear to a Methuselah wedding?"

"Anything that keeps that Ion Fortuna's eyes off of you." Abel muttered under his breath.

"What was that?" Esther had clearly heard the priest, but enjoyed his rampant jealousy.

"Seth said she's have her personal tailor make up the proper clothes for us." Father Nightroad grinned widely, the thought of new clothes highly entertaining him. "They should be resplendent, with jewels and gold threads and maybe even lace, if we're lucky."

Esther looked down at her own habit. "Don't you think we're already drawn rather ornate for priests and nuns anyways?"

"Eh? What do you mean 'drawn'?"

"Oh, heh heh. My mistake." Esther turned and winked at the reader. "I mean, we're kinda already pretty dressed up. Do we need to dress up more?"

"The Empress is getting married, my dear, sweet, innocent, hardheaded, strong willed, gorgeous, precarious, cautious, sturdy, six-piston, cast-iron, lovely, ridiculous, well-spoken, sanitary, fergalicious Miss Esther! No expense must be spared!" Abel smiled goofily again, the thought of a slow dance between he and Esther captivating his imagination.

"Fergalicious? Are you saying I have big ass, Father Nightroad?" She huffed. "Maybe I will be Ion Fortuna's date after all! How could I resist that boyish charm?"

Abel's shoulders fell as Esther left his room. Caterina came in and put a supportive hand on his shoulder.

"It's all right, Abel," Caterina said comfortingly, "She'll come around. And if not, there are others who love you dearly."

Abel removed her hand from his shoulder. "Bugger off. I'm not interested in consolation prizes. I want Esther!"

Tres had also entered Abel's room. "Current statistics point to a 73.3 percent support of an Abel and Esther pairing, while 20.5 percent support of Ion and Esther. You seem to be in a clear lead, Father Nightroad."

Abel smiled, then just as quickly frowned. "But wait, there's a 6.2 difference there. What's the other pairing supported?"

"A 3.1 percent support for Esther and Dietrich."

Abel yawned. "Oh you mean that guy who's probably going to get eaten by my brother? And you're still leaving out another 3.1 percent, Father Calculator."

"The last 3.1 percent is support for Esther and Tres pairing."

Caterina and Abel gasped in unison.

"But Tres-" The Crusnik priest could barely speak.

"You are my machine!" Caterina whispered.

"Error, Cardinal Sforza. Communication not understood." Tres responded.

"YOU ARE MY MACHINE!"

Abel shook his head violently. "Look, I've had enough of this. I've had training from Tamaki Suoh of the famed Ouran High School Host Club, I've read all the books, I've killed all the baddies and frankly, I'm just plain dashing and mysterious. I have my little sister's wedding to go to and only you, you, me and Esther were invited. So let's cut the crap. I'm anxious to find out who Seth is marrying."

"Fatherrr Nightroooadd!" Esther re-entered, apparently having forgotten about Abel's 'fergalicious' comment. She was wearing her uniform from the Empire, the one with the too-short skirt, and the lack of habit which caused her red tresses to frame her angelic face almost too perfectly. "Should I wear this?"

"Forever and always." The mystified Abel responded, his eyes locked on the bare flesh of Esther's thighs.

"Come on, you!" Caterina insisted, slightly jealous, yet also slightly intrigued by Esther's bare thighs. "We have a carriage to catch!"

* * *

The ride to the Empire was a lot quicker than Abel, Esther, Caterina and that robot guy remembered it being. You know, the robot guy with the sunglasses and the cool guns. You know the one. He's kinda like...Tres! Yeah, Tres! Still, they had arrived quite early to the capital of the Empire and they quietly and quickly entered the main palace of Empress Augusta Vradica.

"I'm always amazed by how opulent this place is," Caterina commented.

"Me too!" Abel remarked, more or less keeping one eye on Esther and the other out for any sign of Ion Fortuna.

"Come on," Esther said hurriedly, "Seth's main chamber is right this way. I'll bet she's dying to see us."

Abel smirked. "Silly Esther. Crusniks don't die."

"Negative, Father Nightroad. The Crusnik known as Lil-"

Caterina clamped her gloved hand over Tres' mouth. "He's right, Tres. Crusniks don't die."

The four entered into Seth's main chamber, to see her dressed in flowing white gown and shimmering, floor length veil. Abel got misty eyed at the beauty of his little sister before him.

"Seth, oh dear, Seth! You look gorgeous!"

Seth frowned. "Thanks, Abel. But this is only my sleeping wear. My wedding dress is over there." She pointed at a poofy, frilly, gold studded gown with a massive crown, adorned with diamonds and pearls and a veil all around it.

"My lord," Esther gasped, "that is gorgeous! Will I get to wear something like that?"

Seth laughed. "Oh, dear me...I hope not! I don't want someone like you outclassing me at my own wedding! That would just be improper and very rude. But you can wear something pink, most likely."

Esther frowned. "I hate pink."

Seth laughed again. "Just kidding. You get to wear sea foam green!"

Esther grinned. "I just love sea foam green!"

"Are you and my brother dating yet?" Seth asked, her eyebrow cocked in a quizzical manner.

"Not yet," Abel answered, "we're still at that angst-like questioning stage, and no one has said anything concrete. I'm sure it's inevitable, though. I mean, she practically falls over me at every moment."

"Seth, have you seen Ion Fortuna?" Esther asked dreamily, the thought of the blonde boy Methuselah occupying her thoughts.

"Falling over you, eh?" Seth giggled, taking off her sleeping veil.

Caterina had an important question as Abel fumed silently. "So, who are you marrying?"

"Well, as you know, as Empress, I could have my pick of any man," Seth began, "but I promised the most senior member of my court I would marry him. Since that would have been the Duke of Tigris, and I had to, ya know, kill him, I went for my second most senior member."

Abel stopped fuming, his interest diverted to Seth's suitor. "And that would be?"

"He's the Count of Carpathia and the Duke of Solin."

Abel mentally went through the list of the court members he knew. "This guy isn't ringing a bell. Have we ever met him?"

Seth shrugged. "He doesn't always come to court. He really likes keeping to himself in his castle. He had a lot of bats as pets, and he also has the most dreamy accent. He's also rumored to have been alive for much longer than anyone I know."

"Preposterous." Tres claimed. "The oldest living Methuselah is 438 years old."

Abel sighed. "Stop baiting us. Tell us who he is."

"Ah ah ah!" The semi-maniacal, kid-friendly laughter rang off the walls. With a dramatic flair, and the sweep of a green cape, welcomed in a purple skinned Methuselah. His ebony hair was slicked back, revealing a distinct widow's peak, and he sported a charming monocle.

"This is my fiance, the Count of Carpathia, the Duke of Solin, Count Luca von Count." A characteristic thunder and lightning crashed in the distance.

"How is that possible? We are all indoors." Tres queried.

Esther felt as though she had been transformed to some sort of odd, childhood dream. "Your name is Count von Count? What exactly do you do, Count?"

"I count everting I zee," said the Count, "und ven I am alone, I count myzelf! Ah ah ah!" The lightning crashed again.

Seth swooned. "Isn't he dreamy, brother?"

Abel's jaw had dropped to the floor and his eyes were opened wider than a full moon. "This...this is the man you want to marry?"

"Luca is good man, Abel!" Seth answered angrily. "He loves me and we love each other quite a bit!"

"Really?" Abel questioned. "Is he really someone you can count on?"

"Ov course she can!" The Count swooped up beside the Crusnik priest. "Have you notized, Abel, dat zere are two priests in zis room? Vun, two priests, ah ah ah! Und you are vun brother of my beloved, ah ah ah!"

"Actually, Luca dear, I have two brothers!" Seth kissed her fiance on his purple cheek.

"Two, two brothers? Mahvelous, ah ah ah!" The thunder clapped again.

Tres glared. "We are still indoors."

Esther rubbed her temples. "I have a feeling this guy is going to get real old, real fast."

The Count heard her, and approached the young nun. "I doubt it, tirty-tree years of cheeldrun's teeleveeson can't be wrong! Vun year, ah ah ah, two year, ah ah ah…"

Abel glared as his sister stared at the purple skinned Methuselah dreamily. "Welcome to the family, Count Luca von Count."

The Count lurched forward and hugged his soon to be brother in-law. "Vee vill be tick as theeves, ah ah ah!"

* * *

The organ played the Bridal March. Abel was nervous; he had never had to serve as the father of the bride before. Quite honestly, he was sure he'd never serve as anyone's father. Even though as a priest, he was constantly being referred to as 'Father'. But this was different. His little sister was about to get married to an OCD, purple Methuselah. Honestly, she'd be better off with Ion Fortuna.

"Don't you think you'd be better off with Ion Fortuna?" Abel vocalized to the bride at his side.

"Abel!" She hissed, "I'm seconds away from being married! And I'm not taking the Ion Problem off your hands."

"You know," Abel noticed, "I haven't seen Ion around actually."

"Oh, that's odd. Could it have been the direct order you gave Tres to make sure the Earl of Memphis is one hundred yards away from Esther at all times?" Seth commented.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Abel began to sweat from something completely unrelated. "But if the Count who counts makes you happy, then you deserve to be happy."

"And I know you'll be happy someday too, Abel." Seth finished as he escorted her to the front of the building. She leaned up on her tiptoes to kiss her brother on the cheek, but couldn't quite reach. "Help me out here, bro. I'm not quite as tall as you."

"Sorry," Abel leaned over, and gave Seth a kiss on her cheek as well.

Just as the silver haired Crusnik priest handed his younger Crusnik sister's arm to the Count, the doors burst open. In strode the missing brother, the leader of the Rosen Kreuz Orden, dressed ornately in a white tuxedo.

"You didn't invite me, sis!" Cain Nightlord whined, throwing a mini-temper tantrum. "What makes you think I didn't want to give you away? And I love hors d'ouveres! Are you having spinach quiche?"

"Yuck!" Seth stuck out her tongue, "No spinach! I've never liked spinach and you know that."

"What are you doing here, Cain?" Esther asked, for she had been quiet far too long. The large court of Methuselah was also suspiciously quiet.

"Ohh, Alice, I'm just here for my sister as she begins her new life!" Cain explained.

"It's Esther!"

"That's what I said!" Cain whined again. "Now, who's the lucky man or vampire you happen to be wedding?"

"It iz I, ze Count von Count, und you are anuzer brother ov my beloved, makin it vun," The Count pointed at Abel," two," the Count pointed at Cain, "two brothers, ah ah ah!"

Tres aimed his gun at the ceiling, anticipating the thunderclap. "We are indoors. Do not defy the laws of nature."

"No spinach, no invitation - this wedding is sham, this purple skinned freak is a sham!" Cain's Crusnik form revealed itself, and Abel and Seth prepared to do battle. Before they could activate their own nanomachines, the Count stepped in the path of Cain Nightlord.

"Are you mad?" Caterina shouted. "You're no match for him!"

"Yeah!" Seth agreed, realizing now that Caterina and the Count shared a joint love of monocles. "Don't do it, Luca!"

"Reelax, dearest," the Count said, "I can handle dis."

He stared Cain deep in the eye. "You vill not attack anyvun here, or anyvun on dis planet. You vill fly off dis Earf, und head straight to zee center of zee Sun! You vill stay dere for ten thouzand years, ah ah ah!" The thunderclap sounded, followed by Tres' gunshot.

Cain, in a hypnotic trance, turned around and left the ceremony. Abel and Seth followed, as well as Esther, Caterina, Tres and the rest of the Methuselah court. The six white wings of Cain flapped in unison, as he headed for the skies. Abel scratched his head, thoroughly confused.

"You can hypnotize people?" He asked the Count.

"Ov course! It iz a power I haven't use zince ze mid-nineteen seventies. Zey thought I vould scare ze cheeldrun, ah ah ah!" The Count admitted.

Abel smiled warmly. "Let's get back inside! After all, we have a wedding to finish!"

Seth smiled along and took her fiance by the hand. "We sure do!"

Esther frowned. "I wish I could've had some more lines. Or have seen Ion."

Abel shot a suggestive glare to his soon to be brother in-law. "Count, does your hypnotizing power work on everyone?"

The Count laughed. "Vun, vun happy ending! Ah ah ah!"


End file.
